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sga_flashfic Five Things challenge.
Title: Five Times Meredith McKay Came Out
Pairing: Mostly gen, minor McKay/OC, McKay/Brown. Genderswap AU.
Rating: PG
Words: 4134
Summary: You can't change who you are.
Author's Note: Short version - this story takes place in an AU where McKay and Sheppard have always been women. Longer version - this is basically a slashy sidebar to my Storm Damage AU. So, it's a slash AU of a genderswap AU. Yes. I know.
Five Times Meredith McKay Came Out
1.
Meredith rounded the corner at a clip and half-jogged down the pathway between the buildings. If she could make it to the lab’s side door, she might just lose –
“Meredith! Hey, wait!”
Wincing, she sped up, keeping her eyes directly ahead.
“I know you can hear me, for god’s sake!” Sofie’s voice was getting distinctly louder.
Meredith didn’t stop moving until she heard the footsteps pounding on the sidewalk behind her and a hand caught her by the shoulder. She twisted out from under the hand and spun around, vicious scowl firmly in place.
“What? What do you want?”
Sofie let her hand drop, and took a step back. She looked very different than she had two nights ago, different from Meredith’s slightly blurry memory of a tall blonde hippie goddess. Well, she was still tall and blonde, obviously, but the loose dress and beads had been replaced with a t-shirt and jeans, and her face was freckled and anxious in the cool grey light of the morning.
“I just saw you and –” Sofie said, breaking off to ask, “Why were you running away from me?”
“I wasn’t,” Meredith said defensively, and then hunched her shoulders against Sofie’s incredulous stare.
Sofie looked away first, her face twisted up in confusion, and something that might have been hurt. Meredith crossed her arms, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder and ignoring the sick feeling that was curling up from her belly. It was probably just low blood sugar.
“Look,” Sofie said, finally. “I think I’m missing something here, but – I wanted to ask if you wanted to come to this coffee place later. Uh, Ricky said he’d be there, also some of my friends are going to be performing tonight and –”
“No,” Meredith said, then amended reluctantly, “No, thanks. I have a lot of work to get done.”
Sofie tapped her foot against the pavement, her eyes boring into Meredith’s until Meredith looked down at her watch in desperation and opened her mouth to stammer out an excuse.
But Sofie spoke first. “Okay, what’s your problem?”
Meredith sputtered, “My problem? My problem is that I’m late for – for this very important thing –”
Sofie crossed her arms, mimicking Meredith. “You kissed me. And now you’re spazzing out about it.”
Meredith twitched and went still. She could feel her nails digging into her arms and the straps of her backpack heavy against her shoulders, and she couldn’t think a single reasonable thing to say to that. So instead she said, “I was drunk.”
Sofie snorted. “You had one beer.”
Meredith uncrossed her arms, flailing. “So? So? I have a very low alcohol tolerance, for a number of reasons, the main one being that I almost never drink, because I actually have use for all of my brain cells, thank you very much –”
“Meredith, if you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine,” Sofie said. “But don’t – don’t flirt with me and kiss me and then act like I’m the crazy one for wanting to fucking talk to you, maybe –”
“Okay, okay, see – the thing is, I can’t do this. This isn’t something I – just, no.” Meredith pointed at Sofie a little wildly, the sick feeling rising up from her belly to spread through her, making her hand shake. “Do you know what I’m trying to do here? Huh?”
Sofie stared at her. “You’re getting your doctorate in, uh, physics –”
“Astrophysics, I’m getting a double doctorate in – but the point is, this is the big leagues. I’m sure English Literature or whatever program you’re in is just filled with – with lesbians, and no one cares –”
“Actually, I’m in Sociology,” Sofie said pissily.
“Exactly,” Meredith said. “So no one cares. But I’m trying to – I’m going to change the way we – the way we understand the fucking universe! I’m a genius, I can do it. I will do it.” She had to take a deep breath, trying to stop the way her voice kept wobbling. “But it’s already hard enough. Okay? It’s already hard enough to get taken seriously when all those assholes in the faculty and on the boards and committees look at me and just see a skinny twenty-one year old girl. It’s hard enough.”
She had to blink now, to see Sofie clearly. “I can’t do this. Do you understand? It’s not fair – I just, it’s not fair – that I have to be gay too. It’s not.”
Meredith tilted her head back, had to look up at the sky and just breathe for a while, until it didn’t feel so much like she was going to shake herself apart. She felt Sofie step up beside her, wrap one careful arm around her shoulders, and Meredith didn’t pull away.
Finally, the trembling died down and she wiped her face with her shirt and moved away from Sofie’s warmth.
“I have to go now,” Meredith said to air about three feet to the left of Sofie’s face. “I’m sorry about this. I really am.” She turned and hurried towards the lab without giving her a chance to reply.
Sofie caught up with her, dashing in front of the side door before Meredith could grab the handle.
“Meredith,” Sofie said, a steely note in her voice, and when Meredith tried to dart around her, she said in a rush, “It’s just who you are. It’s who you are and it’s not going to change, and it’s hard. And it’s not fair. So – change the way you understand the universe, Meredith.” She smiled, only a little mocking. “Since you’re such a genius.”
“Get out of my way,” Meredith said, and clenched her fists.
Sofie stepped away from the door. “Fine. But come have coffee with me anyway. Please.”
Meredith didn’t look at her, but as she stepped through the door, she said, “I. Maybe. I’ll try.”
2.
“So why are you here, Mer?”
Meredith looked up. “Why am I here? Here as in – this restaurant? Vancouver? Life in general?” She put down her sandwich, eyes widening. “Jeannie. Tell me you’re not taking some idiotic philosophy course –”
“Here as in Vancouver, you moron,” Jeannie huffed. “And it’s none of your business what optional courses I’m taking.”
“It’s my business if you’re wasting your time and money on –”
“Meredith. Stop talking,” Jeannie said.
Meredith narrowed her eyes. “Stop interrupting me.”
“Fine, then answer my question. Why are you here visiting me?”
She picked up her sandwich and took a bite to buy herself time. Still chewing, Meredith said, “It’s your birthday.”
Jeannie looked unimpressed. “You didn’t show up for my last three birthdays. I don’t see what makes this one so special.”
“Maybe I didn’t show up for your other birthdays because every time I do something nice for you, like oh, say, take you out to dinner, you interrogate me and question my motives?” Meredith could hear her voice rising high and shrill, and bit viciously into the sandwich to cover her wince. Jeannie had unnatural psychic powers when it came to knowing when Meredith was lying.
Sure enough, Jeannie just tapped her fingers on the table’s scratched wooden surface. “Yeah, whatever. Why are you really here?”
Meredith stared down at her sandwich, which was suddenly unappetizing. She swallowed down her last mouthful along with something like panic.
“Well, it’s just – I wanted to tell you –” Meredith took a deep breath. “I’m gay. Or – I guess, a lesbian. I’m not really sure of what term – anyway. Yes.”
She clamped her lips shut on the outpouring of words that was usually her first line of defense in stressful situations. She knew that it wouldn’t protect her from Jeannie, not now, not if this went badly.
Jeannie stared for a second, and then said. “Oh, okay,” and turned back to her spaghetti.
Meredith blinked. “Okay?”
Jeannie nodded, and stuffed a meatball in her mouth. “Yeah, sure. Do Mum and Dad know?”
“Mum knows,” Meredith said a little blankly. “She just divined it somehow while I was in Boston and started pestering me to bring home girlfriends instead of boyfriends. Dad – doesn’t know.” She looked away from Jeannie’s too-sharp eyes. “It’s not like he really cares about who we date, anyway.”
Jeannie pursed her lips and gave Meredith a considering look. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Um, yes, sort of,” Meredith said, still bewildered. It wasn’t that she had thought that Jeannie would tip over the table and denounce her in a fit of righteous fury, but she had expected some kind of reaction. “Wait, so you’re – you’re totally okay with this?”
Shrugging, Jeannie said, “Honestly? It’s not that much of a surprise.”
Meredith gawked, and she felt her lips mouth, Not that much of a surprise?
Jeannie waved her hands placatingly. “Not that you’re really butch or anything, Mer. But remember when you were going out with what’s-his-face, that tall guy from UCC whose pants were always too short? I used to watch you two making out in the basement, and you never looked that into it.”
She paused, grinning. “Also, whenever you call lately, all you talk about is your roommate and how not-entirely-stupid she is and how you guys watch The X Files together, and ‘oh, let me tell you this hilarious thing Olivia said’.”
Meredith felt her eyes bulge out. “This! This is why I don’t come to visit you, you insufferable brat!” she snarled, jabbing her finger across the table. “You watched me kissing Trevor Lanning? I can’t believe you!”
“Oh, chill out. Here, take my shirt as a peace offering,” Jeannie said, and started shrugging off her red plaid shirt. She bit her lip, obviously suppressing giggles. “You know, as a symbol of your entry into the lesbian sisterhood.”
Meredith caught the shirt before it hit her in the face. She glared molten death at the snickering hell-spawn that was masquerading as her little sister. “Kurt Cobain is dead, you know.”
Jeannie scowled and punched her in the shoulder, hard. “Shut up.”
“Make me,” Meredith said, and fought down the giddy urge to laugh at the utter normalcy of it.
3.
Meredith was halfway down the corridor when Jeannie seemed to appear from out of nowhere, her tall, scruffy oaf of a boyfriend trailing behind her. She grabbed Meredith’s arm and hissed, “Where the hell have you been?”
“It might come as a surprise to you, but it actually takes some time to get to Toronto from fucking Siberia –” Meredith hissed back, but Jeannie just shook her head and thrust Meredith bodily into room 409.
She froze at the threshold, startled by the dimness of the room after the stark light of the corridor, unnerved by the unfamiliar wires and machines attached to the very familiar man in the bed. All her frantic momentum, from car to airport to plane to more airports to more planes, had been hurtling her forward to this moment, and now that she was here in the hospital room all she felt was numb. And a little lost, like she’d wandered up onto a lecture podium without any notes, without the slightest idea of what was expected of her.
Her boots squeaked on the tiles as she walked across the room and sat down in a hard plastic chair positioned beside the bed. There was barely room for the chair amidst all the machines and monitors. She dropped her laptop bag on the floor, and tried and failed to find a comfortable position in the chair.
Her father’s eyes were closed, and for a second she thought that he was sleeping, that maybe she could get out of this room and – and go to the cafeteria or something, and Jeannie could wait here and call her on her cell if he woke up –
“Meredith?” His eyes opened, droopy and not-quite focused.
“Yeah,” she croaked, and cleared her throat. “Yes, Dad. It’s me.”
Her father’s lips moved, no sound escaping, and then he rasped, “How are you?”
“Fine, how are you?” she answered automatically, falling back into their standard formal pattern, and felt her stomach churn at its absurdity.
“Getting on, getting on.” This too, was part of their more recent conversational formula, and Meredith tried to fake a cheerful smile. She was pretty sure she failed miserably.
He spoke again, and this time his voice was sharp and clipped, the way she remembered it from her childhood. “You’re doing great things, aren’t you, Meredith? Great things, brilliant work. Not letting men distract you?”
She laughed involuntarily, choked and false. “You don’t need to worry about men distracting me. Really.” She swallowed down the sob that was rising in her throat, and fiddled with the strap of her purse.
His hand twitched on the bed, and she could almost see the quick dismissing gesture that it should have been.
“Women, then.” His voice was still clear and his pale eyes burned into her.
Meredith stared, shocked and uncertain. She hadn’t expected him to understand the depth of her off-hand denial, hadn’t thought that she’d have to deal with this now –
“I – yes, but. I mean –”
Her father coughed, and his voice was weaker. “It doesn’t matter. You understand what’s important, you understand that you can’t let yourself be distracted, that you must focus –”
He coughed again, long and rattling, and Meredith said frantically, “Maybe I should call –”
“Meredith, dear,” he whispered, and she closed her mouth and ignored the way her eyes were stinging. “You’re doing great things, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Meredith said. “Yes, I’m doing great things.”
4.
“– which is why I will never, ever again let that little bastard Gaul oversee a project that needs any kind of, of delicacy –” Meredith broke off when Sheppard elbowed her in the ribs. “Ow! What the hell –”
“Tap, Meredith,” Sheppard muttered out of the corner of her mouth, tapping her own fingertips together vigorously. Along with everyone else sitting around the bonfire, Meredith realized, and belatedly joined in on the Athosians’ version of clapping. The singer bowed her head in response and stepped down from the small stone platform to make way for the next performer, a man who was carrying a tiny instrument that looked suspiciously like a kazoo.
Meredith took another gulp of wine to fortify herself. Tipping back her clay mug, she swallowed the last drops of the smooth, sweet liquid, and then peered sadly into the empty mug.
Ford was laboriously pushing himself to his feet, so Meredith thrust her mug in his direction. “Lieutenant! A refill, please, while you’re up?”
Ford opened his mouth, then promptly tripped over the bench behind him and fell on his ass.
Meredith nearly fell off her own bench laughing while Teyla leaned over worriedly, asking, “Lieutenant Ford? Are you alright?”
Ford groaned and waved a reassuring hand, but didn’t move from the ground.
“Okay,” Sheppard said, wresting Meredith’s mug away from her, “I think it’s time for us to head on home, kids.”
“And how exactly are we going to do that, Major? Because there is no way I’m getting into that puddlejumper with you right now, and we don’t have a designated driver,” Meredith said firmly, and belched.
Sheppard glared, but her eyes were a little glassy. “I haven’t had that much.”
Meredith sat up and crossed her arms, trying not to tilt sideways. “Close your eyes and try to touch your nose then.”
“It is no trouble for us to spend the night here, on the mainland,” Teyla broke in. “I agree with Dr. McKay; it would be prudent to wait until morning to fly back to Atlantis.”
Sheppard shot her a betrayed look, but Teyla ignored her and made her way over to Ford, hooking her arm around him and levering him to his feet. Ford swayed a little and grinned dopily. “Thanks, Teyla.”
Meredith rolled her eyes and clambered to her feet without much difficulty, although she had to reach out and grab Sheppard’s shoulder at one point. But since Sheppard looked just as unsteady, she figured that she could pass it off as a mutually supportive effort rather than her needing Sheppard’s help.
The four of them staggered off towards the tents, waving off the teasing catcalls about aliens who couldn’t hold their liquor that followed them into the darkness beyond the firelight.
“Hey, it’s too bad Beckett couldn’t come,” Sheppard said, nudging Meredith’s shoulder.
“Yeah,” Ford agreed, sending Meredith a mischievous look. “You guys could have had some couple time.”
Meredith stopped in her tracks. “Did you just say ‘couple time’? Like – between Carson and me?”
Ford’s face squinched up in confusion. Teyla and Sheppard exchanged amused glances.
“So… you and Dr. Beckett aren’t a couple?” Ford asked.
“No!” Meredith said, flailing her arms. She nearly toppled over a woodpile before Sheppard caught her by the shoulder and tugged her back upright. “Why would you think that?”
Ford shrugged. “You guys are always hanging out together and –”
“Insulting each other?” Sheppard supplied.
“Well, yeah, but you know, in an affectionate way,” Ford said earnestly.
Meredith shook her head, enjoying the way it made the shadowy Athosian tents spin at the edge of her vision. “Lieutenant, there are a multitude of reasons why Carson and I will never be a couple. Not the least of which is that he has a penis.”
Fuck. She really had not meant to say that last part out loud. In the sudden quiet their footsteps seemed loud and echoing, and Meredith heard Ford say, “Oh.”
Meredith was abruptly cold, all of the dizzy warmth of the ruus wine seeping away into the chill of the night. She straightened her shoulders and swallowed, searching her mind for a biting comment to fill the silence that was quickly becoming excruciating.
Before she could put the finishing touches on the snappy remark that was definitely right on the tip of her tongue, Teyla spoke instead.
“Ah, yes, I understand, Dr. McKay. In fact, I am reminded of an old saying that is much repeated among the women of Athos.”
“Really?” Meredith asked, incredulous, jerking her head around and meeting Teyla’s steady gaze. Sheppard was watching them both with her usual almost-smile, but Ford was staring at the ground.
“Yes,” Teyla said solemnly. “Generations of Athosian women have passed down this piece of wisdom: that women need men only so much as fish need bicycles.”
For a second they all gaped at her in astonishment, and then Sheppard started laughing so hard that she collapsed to the ground in a heap. Ford joined in the laughter a moment later, shaking his head and chuckling.
Meredith felt an involuntary smile creeping across her face, and she pointed an accusing finger at Teyla. “Someone’s been talking to Elizabeth.”
Teyla smiled back, her eyes fond and laughing. “Perhaps.”
Sheppard hopped to her feet with Ford’s help, and looked at them expectantly, still grinning. “We all set?”
Ford met Meredith’s eyes and nodded, smiling a little awkwardly.
Meredith raised her chin. “Onwards, Major.”
5.
Meredith poked at her potatoes with her fork. Now that they had supplies provided regularly by the Daedalus, the mess hall food was – okay, not actually better, but at least more recognizable. Unfortunately, she couldn’t seem to work up an appetite at the moment. Maybe she could just eat the pudding. God knew she deserved some chocolate after the day she’d had.
She heard the plasticky click of a tray being plunked onto the table, and glanced up to see Carson sliding into the seat across from her. Meredith took one look at his worried, compassionate expression and snarled.
“Not one word, Carson, I swear. We’re not talking about it.”
Carson’s face creased into an even deeper expression of concern, so Meredith rolled her eyes and concentrated on her pudding.
Carson leaned forward and said quietly, “Meredith, I just wanted to check that you’re –”
“What?” Meredith demanded. “Not about to slit my wrists, or go cry in girls’ washroom, or write tragic poetry about, I don’t know, donuts and the dark injustice that gnaws at my soul?”
“Donuts?” Carson asked, frowning.
“They’re yonic,” Meredith waved her spoon at him, “but that’s not the point.”
Carson opened his mouth and Meredith said hastily, “The point is that despite the immature behaviour exhibited by certain members of this expedition, we are not actually in middle school, and I’m not going start painting my nails black and sniffing highlighters just because –” she dropped her voice dramatically, “everyone knows I’m a lesbian! Horrors!”
“It was not as though it was big secret, anyway,” Radek’s voice came from behind her; a second later, he had sat down next to her and was digging into his spaghetti.
Meredith glowered at him, and she saw Carson doing the same. Irked, she snapped, “Yes, exactly. It’s not even new gossip. So we can stop talking about it.”
Carson said, “But are you sure that you’re –”
“Eating! I’m eating my pudding!” Meredith said, and would have continued with a series of ‘la-la-las’ if she hadn’t just jammed an enormous spoonful of pudding into her mouth.
“Of course,” Radek said in a thoughtful voice that made Meredith squint suspiciously at him, “there is a difference between your colleagues being aware of long-standing rumors that you, how do you say, bat for the other team –”
Carson’s lips twitched, and Meredith sneered at them both through her pudding.
“– and announcing to the physics lab that you are, ah –”
Meredith swallowed the pudding; it was thick and sticky in her throat. “I believe the words you’re looking for are ‘a big dyke.’”
Carson’s worried look was back. Zelenka said calmly, “Yes. It may be more troublesome for you, now that there is confirmation.”
“Well, in that case? Fuck them,” Meredith said, slamming her spoon down onto the table. “Who cares what they say about me, anyway? I’m their goddamn boss, and it’s not like I really need to worry about all the brilliant work I’m doing out here in the Pegasus galaxy getting published. If everyone’s talking about me, they’re not talking about Maj – Colonel Sheppard. She’s the one who actually had something to lose if Rossi kept shooting his mouth off.”
Meredith had taken great pleasure, in the heat of the moment when she had still been burning with righteous rage, to point out the many-layered nature of Rossi’s utter stupidity. By spreading rumours about the nature of Sheppard and Teyla’s relationship, Rossi hadn’t just managed to threaten Sheppard’s command, thus making their eventual death by Wraith even more likely, he’d also failed to identify the only real lesbian on the team. Moron.
“Dr. Rossi was a fool to make such insinuations about the Colonel’s – batting practices, when the American military’s position on such issues remains so unreasonable,” Radek said. Meredith wasn’t sure, but she thought that he was trying to hide a smile. Carson too, the bastard. She narrowed her eyes at them.
“Rossi is a jackass who’s getting a free ride back to Earth as soon as the Daedalus gets here,” she said icily, “and until then –”
“Dr. McKay? Um, Meredith?”
“What?” Meredith bit out, spinning in her seat, only to find herself blinking up at a vaguely familiar red-haired woman. One of the new scientists, from Biology maybe?
The woman smiled at her, warm and a little hesitant, and Meredith blinked again and forced her eyes not to drift downwards.
“Sorry to interrupt,” the woman said, and she sounded genuinely sorry. “I was just – I’m Katie, Katie Brown, we talked before, at the welcome party last week?”
Meredith snapped her fingers. “Right, you shared your vodka with me, and we talked about –”
“Star Trek,” Katie said, her smile growing.
“Yes, and your delusional conviction that Voyager comes anywhere near The Next Generation in terms of quality, never mind –”
“So I was wondering,” Katie broke in, ducking her head, “if you wanted to continue that conversation, um, tomorrow night maybe. In my quarters, over dinner.”
Meredith frowned and said, “Why can’t we just talk about it right –” before Zelenka kicked her in the leg under the table. She became abruptly aware of the nervous, hopeful expression on Katie’s pretty face, and the pointed stares that Radek and Carson were giving her.
“Oh,” Meredith said, cleverly. “Uh. Yes, yes, I – yes, dinner. Would be good. I mean, with you.”
Katie’s face lit up. “Oh, great!”
“Great!” Meredith echoed, beaming, and ignored Radek mumbling in Czech beside her. She felt a sudden kindness towards Rossi. Maybe she wouldn’t make him do the sanitation system maintenance every day until the Daedalus arrived.
After all, they also needed someone to clean the dino-pidgeons’ nests out of the South tower again.
~/~
sga_flashfic Five Things challenge.Title: Five Times Meredith McKay Came Out
Pairing: Mostly gen, minor McKay/OC, McKay/Brown. Genderswap AU.
Rating: PG
Words: 4134
Summary: You can't change who you are.
Author's Note: Short version - this story takes place in an AU where McKay and Sheppard have always been women. Longer version - this is basically a slashy sidebar to my Storm Damage AU. So, it's a slash AU of a genderswap AU. Yes. I know.
Five Times Meredith McKay Came Out
1.
Meredith rounded the corner at a clip and half-jogged down the pathway between the buildings. If she could make it to the lab’s side door, she might just lose –
“Meredith! Hey, wait!”
Wincing, she sped up, keeping her eyes directly ahead.
“I know you can hear me, for god’s sake!” Sofie’s voice was getting distinctly louder.
Meredith didn’t stop moving until she heard the footsteps pounding on the sidewalk behind her and a hand caught her by the shoulder. She twisted out from under the hand and spun around, vicious scowl firmly in place.
“What? What do you want?”
Sofie let her hand drop, and took a step back. She looked very different than she had two nights ago, different from Meredith’s slightly blurry memory of a tall blonde hippie goddess. Well, she was still tall and blonde, obviously, but the loose dress and beads had been replaced with a t-shirt and jeans, and her face was freckled and anxious in the cool grey light of the morning.
“I just saw you and –” Sofie said, breaking off to ask, “Why were you running away from me?”
“I wasn’t,” Meredith said defensively, and then hunched her shoulders against Sofie’s incredulous stare.
Sofie looked away first, her face twisted up in confusion, and something that might have been hurt. Meredith crossed her arms, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder and ignoring the sick feeling that was curling up from her belly. It was probably just low blood sugar.
“Look,” Sofie said, finally. “I think I’m missing something here, but – I wanted to ask if you wanted to come to this coffee place later. Uh, Ricky said he’d be there, also some of my friends are going to be performing tonight and –”
“No,” Meredith said, then amended reluctantly, “No, thanks. I have a lot of work to get done.”
Sofie tapped her foot against the pavement, her eyes boring into Meredith’s until Meredith looked down at her watch in desperation and opened her mouth to stammer out an excuse.
But Sofie spoke first. “Okay, what’s your problem?”
Meredith sputtered, “My problem? My problem is that I’m late for – for this very important thing –”
Sofie crossed her arms, mimicking Meredith. “You kissed me. And now you’re spazzing out about it.”
Meredith twitched and went still. She could feel her nails digging into her arms and the straps of her backpack heavy against her shoulders, and she couldn’t think a single reasonable thing to say to that. So instead she said, “I was drunk.”
Sofie snorted. “You had one beer.”
Meredith uncrossed her arms, flailing. “So? So? I have a very low alcohol tolerance, for a number of reasons, the main one being that I almost never drink, because I actually have use for all of my brain cells, thank you very much –”
“Meredith, if you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine,” Sofie said. “But don’t – don’t flirt with me and kiss me and then act like I’m the crazy one for wanting to fucking talk to you, maybe –”
“Okay, okay, see – the thing is, I can’t do this. This isn’t something I – just, no.” Meredith pointed at Sofie a little wildly, the sick feeling rising up from her belly to spread through her, making her hand shake. “Do you know what I’m trying to do here? Huh?”
Sofie stared at her. “You’re getting your doctorate in, uh, physics –”
“Astrophysics, I’m getting a double doctorate in – but the point is, this is the big leagues. I’m sure English Literature or whatever program you’re in is just filled with – with lesbians, and no one cares –”
“Actually, I’m in Sociology,” Sofie said pissily.
“Exactly,” Meredith said. “So no one cares. But I’m trying to – I’m going to change the way we – the way we understand the fucking universe! I’m a genius, I can do it. I will do it.” She had to take a deep breath, trying to stop the way her voice kept wobbling. “But it’s already hard enough. Okay? It’s already hard enough to get taken seriously when all those assholes in the faculty and on the boards and committees look at me and just see a skinny twenty-one year old girl. It’s hard enough.”
She had to blink now, to see Sofie clearly. “I can’t do this. Do you understand? It’s not fair – I just, it’s not fair – that I have to be gay too. It’s not.”
Meredith tilted her head back, had to look up at the sky and just breathe for a while, until it didn’t feel so much like she was going to shake herself apart. She felt Sofie step up beside her, wrap one careful arm around her shoulders, and Meredith didn’t pull away.
Finally, the trembling died down and she wiped her face with her shirt and moved away from Sofie’s warmth.
“I have to go now,” Meredith said to air about three feet to the left of Sofie’s face. “I’m sorry about this. I really am.” She turned and hurried towards the lab without giving her a chance to reply.
Sofie caught up with her, dashing in front of the side door before Meredith could grab the handle.
“Meredith,” Sofie said, a steely note in her voice, and when Meredith tried to dart around her, she said in a rush, “It’s just who you are. It’s who you are and it’s not going to change, and it’s hard. And it’s not fair. So – change the way you understand the universe, Meredith.” She smiled, only a little mocking. “Since you’re such a genius.”
“Get out of my way,” Meredith said, and clenched her fists.
Sofie stepped away from the door. “Fine. But come have coffee with me anyway. Please.”
Meredith didn’t look at her, but as she stepped through the door, she said, “I. Maybe. I’ll try.”
2.
“So why are you here, Mer?”
Meredith looked up. “Why am I here? Here as in – this restaurant? Vancouver? Life in general?” She put down her sandwich, eyes widening. “Jeannie. Tell me you’re not taking some idiotic philosophy course –”
“Here as in Vancouver, you moron,” Jeannie huffed. “And it’s none of your business what optional courses I’m taking.”
“It’s my business if you’re wasting your time and money on –”
“Meredith. Stop talking,” Jeannie said.
Meredith narrowed her eyes. “Stop interrupting me.”
“Fine, then answer my question. Why are you here visiting me?”
She picked up her sandwich and took a bite to buy herself time. Still chewing, Meredith said, “It’s your birthday.”
Jeannie looked unimpressed. “You didn’t show up for my last three birthdays. I don’t see what makes this one so special.”
“Maybe I didn’t show up for your other birthdays because every time I do something nice for you, like oh, say, take you out to dinner, you interrogate me and question my motives?” Meredith could hear her voice rising high and shrill, and bit viciously into the sandwich to cover her wince. Jeannie had unnatural psychic powers when it came to knowing when Meredith was lying.
Sure enough, Jeannie just tapped her fingers on the table’s scratched wooden surface. “Yeah, whatever. Why are you really here?”
Meredith stared down at her sandwich, which was suddenly unappetizing. She swallowed down her last mouthful along with something like panic.
“Well, it’s just – I wanted to tell you –” Meredith took a deep breath. “I’m gay. Or – I guess, a lesbian. I’m not really sure of what term – anyway. Yes.”
She clamped her lips shut on the outpouring of words that was usually her first line of defense in stressful situations. She knew that it wouldn’t protect her from Jeannie, not now, not if this went badly.
Jeannie stared for a second, and then said. “Oh, okay,” and turned back to her spaghetti.
Meredith blinked. “Okay?”
Jeannie nodded, and stuffed a meatball in her mouth. “Yeah, sure. Do Mum and Dad know?”
“Mum knows,” Meredith said a little blankly. “She just divined it somehow while I was in Boston and started pestering me to bring home girlfriends instead of boyfriends. Dad – doesn’t know.” She looked away from Jeannie’s too-sharp eyes. “It’s not like he really cares about who we date, anyway.”
Jeannie pursed her lips and gave Meredith a considering look. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Um, yes, sort of,” Meredith said, still bewildered. It wasn’t that she had thought that Jeannie would tip over the table and denounce her in a fit of righteous fury, but she had expected some kind of reaction. “Wait, so you’re – you’re totally okay with this?”
Shrugging, Jeannie said, “Honestly? It’s not that much of a surprise.”
Meredith gawked, and she felt her lips mouth, Not that much of a surprise?
Jeannie waved her hands placatingly. “Not that you’re really butch or anything, Mer. But remember when you were going out with what’s-his-face, that tall guy from UCC whose pants were always too short? I used to watch you two making out in the basement, and you never looked that into it.”
She paused, grinning. “Also, whenever you call lately, all you talk about is your roommate and how not-entirely-stupid she is and how you guys watch The X Files together, and ‘oh, let me tell you this hilarious thing Olivia said’.”
Meredith felt her eyes bulge out. “This! This is why I don’t come to visit you, you insufferable brat!” she snarled, jabbing her finger across the table. “You watched me kissing Trevor Lanning? I can’t believe you!”
“Oh, chill out. Here, take my shirt as a peace offering,” Jeannie said, and started shrugging off her red plaid shirt. She bit her lip, obviously suppressing giggles. “You know, as a symbol of your entry into the lesbian sisterhood.”
Meredith caught the shirt before it hit her in the face. She glared molten death at the snickering hell-spawn that was masquerading as her little sister. “Kurt Cobain is dead, you know.”
Jeannie scowled and punched her in the shoulder, hard. “Shut up.”
“Make me,” Meredith said, and fought down the giddy urge to laugh at the utter normalcy of it.
3.
Meredith was halfway down the corridor when Jeannie seemed to appear from out of nowhere, her tall, scruffy oaf of a boyfriend trailing behind her. She grabbed Meredith’s arm and hissed, “Where the hell have you been?”
“It might come as a surprise to you, but it actually takes some time to get to Toronto from fucking Siberia –” Meredith hissed back, but Jeannie just shook her head and thrust Meredith bodily into room 409.
She froze at the threshold, startled by the dimness of the room after the stark light of the corridor, unnerved by the unfamiliar wires and machines attached to the very familiar man in the bed. All her frantic momentum, from car to airport to plane to more airports to more planes, had been hurtling her forward to this moment, and now that she was here in the hospital room all she felt was numb. And a little lost, like she’d wandered up onto a lecture podium without any notes, without the slightest idea of what was expected of her.
Her boots squeaked on the tiles as she walked across the room and sat down in a hard plastic chair positioned beside the bed. There was barely room for the chair amidst all the machines and monitors. She dropped her laptop bag on the floor, and tried and failed to find a comfortable position in the chair.
Her father’s eyes were closed, and for a second she thought that he was sleeping, that maybe she could get out of this room and – and go to the cafeteria or something, and Jeannie could wait here and call her on her cell if he woke up –
“Meredith?” His eyes opened, droopy and not-quite focused.
“Yeah,” she croaked, and cleared her throat. “Yes, Dad. It’s me.”
Her father’s lips moved, no sound escaping, and then he rasped, “How are you?”
“Fine, how are you?” she answered automatically, falling back into their standard formal pattern, and felt her stomach churn at its absurdity.
“Getting on, getting on.” This too, was part of their more recent conversational formula, and Meredith tried to fake a cheerful smile. She was pretty sure she failed miserably.
He spoke again, and this time his voice was sharp and clipped, the way she remembered it from her childhood. “You’re doing great things, aren’t you, Meredith? Great things, brilliant work. Not letting men distract you?”
She laughed involuntarily, choked and false. “You don’t need to worry about men distracting me. Really.” She swallowed down the sob that was rising in her throat, and fiddled with the strap of her purse.
His hand twitched on the bed, and she could almost see the quick dismissing gesture that it should have been.
“Women, then.” His voice was still clear and his pale eyes burned into her.
Meredith stared, shocked and uncertain. She hadn’t expected him to understand the depth of her off-hand denial, hadn’t thought that she’d have to deal with this now –
“I – yes, but. I mean –”
Her father coughed, and his voice was weaker. “It doesn’t matter. You understand what’s important, you understand that you can’t let yourself be distracted, that you must focus –”
He coughed again, long and rattling, and Meredith said frantically, “Maybe I should call –”
“Meredith, dear,” he whispered, and she closed her mouth and ignored the way her eyes were stinging. “You’re doing great things, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Meredith said. “Yes, I’m doing great things.”
4.
“– which is why I will never, ever again let that little bastard Gaul oversee a project that needs any kind of, of delicacy –” Meredith broke off when Sheppard elbowed her in the ribs. “Ow! What the hell –”
“Tap, Meredith,” Sheppard muttered out of the corner of her mouth, tapping her own fingertips together vigorously. Along with everyone else sitting around the bonfire, Meredith realized, and belatedly joined in on the Athosians’ version of clapping. The singer bowed her head in response and stepped down from the small stone platform to make way for the next performer, a man who was carrying a tiny instrument that looked suspiciously like a kazoo.
Meredith took another gulp of wine to fortify herself. Tipping back her clay mug, she swallowed the last drops of the smooth, sweet liquid, and then peered sadly into the empty mug.
Ford was laboriously pushing himself to his feet, so Meredith thrust her mug in his direction. “Lieutenant! A refill, please, while you’re up?”
Ford opened his mouth, then promptly tripped over the bench behind him and fell on his ass.
Meredith nearly fell off her own bench laughing while Teyla leaned over worriedly, asking, “Lieutenant Ford? Are you alright?”
Ford groaned and waved a reassuring hand, but didn’t move from the ground.
“Okay,” Sheppard said, wresting Meredith’s mug away from her, “I think it’s time for us to head on home, kids.”
“And how exactly are we going to do that, Major? Because there is no way I’m getting into that puddlejumper with you right now, and we don’t have a designated driver,” Meredith said firmly, and belched.
Sheppard glared, but her eyes were a little glassy. “I haven’t had that much.”
Meredith sat up and crossed her arms, trying not to tilt sideways. “Close your eyes and try to touch your nose then.”
“It is no trouble for us to spend the night here, on the mainland,” Teyla broke in. “I agree with Dr. McKay; it would be prudent to wait until morning to fly back to Atlantis.”
Sheppard shot her a betrayed look, but Teyla ignored her and made her way over to Ford, hooking her arm around him and levering him to his feet. Ford swayed a little and grinned dopily. “Thanks, Teyla.”
Meredith rolled her eyes and clambered to her feet without much difficulty, although she had to reach out and grab Sheppard’s shoulder at one point. But since Sheppard looked just as unsteady, she figured that she could pass it off as a mutually supportive effort rather than her needing Sheppard’s help.
The four of them staggered off towards the tents, waving off the teasing catcalls about aliens who couldn’t hold their liquor that followed them into the darkness beyond the firelight.
“Hey, it’s too bad Beckett couldn’t come,” Sheppard said, nudging Meredith’s shoulder.
“Yeah,” Ford agreed, sending Meredith a mischievous look. “You guys could have had some couple time.”
Meredith stopped in her tracks. “Did you just say ‘couple time’? Like – between Carson and me?”
Ford’s face squinched up in confusion. Teyla and Sheppard exchanged amused glances.
“So… you and Dr. Beckett aren’t a couple?” Ford asked.
“No!” Meredith said, flailing her arms. She nearly toppled over a woodpile before Sheppard caught her by the shoulder and tugged her back upright. “Why would you think that?”
Ford shrugged. “You guys are always hanging out together and –”
“Insulting each other?” Sheppard supplied.
“Well, yeah, but you know, in an affectionate way,” Ford said earnestly.
Meredith shook her head, enjoying the way it made the shadowy Athosian tents spin at the edge of her vision. “Lieutenant, there are a multitude of reasons why Carson and I will never be a couple. Not the least of which is that he has a penis.”
Fuck. She really had not meant to say that last part out loud. In the sudden quiet their footsteps seemed loud and echoing, and Meredith heard Ford say, “Oh.”
Meredith was abruptly cold, all of the dizzy warmth of the ruus wine seeping away into the chill of the night. She straightened her shoulders and swallowed, searching her mind for a biting comment to fill the silence that was quickly becoming excruciating.
Before she could put the finishing touches on the snappy remark that was definitely right on the tip of her tongue, Teyla spoke instead.
“Ah, yes, I understand, Dr. McKay. In fact, I am reminded of an old saying that is much repeated among the women of Athos.”
“Really?” Meredith asked, incredulous, jerking her head around and meeting Teyla’s steady gaze. Sheppard was watching them both with her usual almost-smile, but Ford was staring at the ground.
“Yes,” Teyla said solemnly. “Generations of Athosian women have passed down this piece of wisdom: that women need men only so much as fish need bicycles.”
For a second they all gaped at her in astonishment, and then Sheppard started laughing so hard that she collapsed to the ground in a heap. Ford joined in the laughter a moment later, shaking his head and chuckling.
Meredith felt an involuntary smile creeping across her face, and she pointed an accusing finger at Teyla. “Someone’s been talking to Elizabeth.”
Teyla smiled back, her eyes fond and laughing. “Perhaps.”
Sheppard hopped to her feet with Ford’s help, and looked at them expectantly, still grinning. “We all set?”
Ford met Meredith’s eyes and nodded, smiling a little awkwardly.
Meredith raised her chin. “Onwards, Major.”
5.
Meredith poked at her potatoes with her fork. Now that they had supplies provided regularly by the Daedalus, the mess hall food was – okay, not actually better, but at least more recognizable. Unfortunately, she couldn’t seem to work up an appetite at the moment. Maybe she could just eat the pudding. God knew she deserved some chocolate after the day she’d had.
She heard the plasticky click of a tray being plunked onto the table, and glanced up to see Carson sliding into the seat across from her. Meredith took one look at his worried, compassionate expression and snarled.
“Not one word, Carson, I swear. We’re not talking about it.”
Carson’s face creased into an even deeper expression of concern, so Meredith rolled her eyes and concentrated on her pudding.
Carson leaned forward and said quietly, “Meredith, I just wanted to check that you’re –”
“What?” Meredith demanded. “Not about to slit my wrists, or go cry in girls’ washroom, or write tragic poetry about, I don’t know, donuts and the dark injustice that gnaws at my soul?”
“Donuts?” Carson asked, frowning.
“They’re yonic,” Meredith waved her spoon at him, “but that’s not the point.”
Carson opened his mouth and Meredith said hastily, “The point is that despite the immature behaviour exhibited by certain members of this expedition, we are not actually in middle school, and I’m not going start painting my nails black and sniffing highlighters just because –” she dropped her voice dramatically, “everyone knows I’m a lesbian! Horrors!”
“It was not as though it was big secret, anyway,” Radek’s voice came from behind her; a second later, he had sat down next to her and was digging into his spaghetti.
Meredith glowered at him, and she saw Carson doing the same. Irked, she snapped, “Yes, exactly. It’s not even new gossip. So we can stop talking about it.”
Carson said, “But are you sure that you’re –”
“Eating! I’m eating my pudding!” Meredith said, and would have continued with a series of ‘la-la-las’ if she hadn’t just jammed an enormous spoonful of pudding into her mouth.
“Of course,” Radek said in a thoughtful voice that made Meredith squint suspiciously at him, “there is a difference between your colleagues being aware of long-standing rumors that you, how do you say, bat for the other team –”
Carson’s lips twitched, and Meredith sneered at them both through her pudding.
“– and announcing to the physics lab that you are, ah –”
Meredith swallowed the pudding; it was thick and sticky in her throat. “I believe the words you’re looking for are ‘a big dyke.’”
Carson’s worried look was back. Zelenka said calmly, “Yes. It may be more troublesome for you, now that there is confirmation.”
“Well, in that case? Fuck them,” Meredith said, slamming her spoon down onto the table. “Who cares what they say about me, anyway? I’m their goddamn boss, and it’s not like I really need to worry about all the brilliant work I’m doing out here in the Pegasus galaxy getting published. If everyone’s talking about me, they’re not talking about Maj – Colonel Sheppard. She’s the one who actually had something to lose if Rossi kept shooting his mouth off.”
Meredith had taken great pleasure, in the heat of the moment when she had still been burning with righteous rage, to point out the many-layered nature of Rossi’s utter stupidity. By spreading rumours about the nature of Sheppard and Teyla’s relationship, Rossi hadn’t just managed to threaten Sheppard’s command, thus making their eventual death by Wraith even more likely, he’d also failed to identify the only real lesbian on the team. Moron.
“Dr. Rossi was a fool to make such insinuations about the Colonel’s – batting practices, when the American military’s position on such issues remains so unreasonable,” Radek said. Meredith wasn’t sure, but she thought that he was trying to hide a smile. Carson too, the bastard. She narrowed her eyes at them.
“Rossi is a jackass who’s getting a free ride back to Earth as soon as the Daedalus gets here,” she said icily, “and until then –”
“Dr. McKay? Um, Meredith?”
“What?” Meredith bit out, spinning in her seat, only to find herself blinking up at a vaguely familiar red-haired woman. One of the new scientists, from Biology maybe?
The woman smiled at her, warm and a little hesitant, and Meredith blinked again and forced her eyes not to drift downwards.
“Sorry to interrupt,” the woman said, and she sounded genuinely sorry. “I was just – I’m Katie, Katie Brown, we talked before, at the welcome party last week?”
Meredith snapped her fingers. “Right, you shared your vodka with me, and we talked about –”
“Star Trek,” Katie said, her smile growing.
“Yes, and your delusional conviction that Voyager comes anywhere near The Next Generation in terms of quality, never mind –”
“So I was wondering,” Katie broke in, ducking her head, “if you wanted to continue that conversation, um, tomorrow night maybe. In my quarters, over dinner.”
Meredith frowned and said, “Why can’t we just talk about it right –” before Zelenka kicked her in the leg under the table. She became abruptly aware of the nervous, hopeful expression on Katie’s pretty face, and the pointed stares that Radek and Carson were giving her.
“Oh,” Meredith said, cleverly. “Uh. Yes, yes, I – yes, dinner. Would be good. I mean, with you.”
Katie’s face lit up. “Oh, great!”
“Great!” Meredith echoed, beaming, and ignored Radek mumbling in Czech beside her. She felt a sudden kindness towards Rossi. Maybe she wouldn’t make him do the sanitation system maintenance every day until the Daedalus arrived.
After all, they also needed someone to clean the dino-pidgeons’ nests out of the South tower again.
~/~
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